How are you supposed to help me?
by Adeleidhis
Summary: So many twists and unexpected, unexplained things happening and all because we took the risk of stepping out of our doors. We can choose to sulk about it, or laugh about it.


**Hellooooooo! Well, this is my attempt at trying to be more funny. I hope it worked...**

 **This is a retelling of my zombie story but in other POV'S. Comedy is my weakest genre, so if you have any ideas, suggestions comments, etc. Please share with me. I could use the help. (^_^)**

 **Chapter 1-2 Bilbo**

With a smile on his face, song in his voice and bounce in his step, Bilbo Baggins strode down the soft dirt road from the markets. He could have walked this road with his eyes closed and still find his way home easily enough he wagered. As much as he had walked this road many times in his lifetime he by now knew every small shrub or wildflower that grew there like the hair on his feet. The warm sun was beating down on his face, warming it up with not a cloud in sight. This was such a lovely day, he was in such high spirits that nothing could ruin it for him.

Well, nothing except a monstrosity of a creature of man bursting through the forest, scrambling to a clumsy halt. He gaped at the figure with wide eyes he didn't know could get so big.

What in the name of Yavanna was that?!

The hobbit nearly froze in his place as he eyed it and ducked behind a bush that wasn't really large enough to cover him completely as it staggered on it's legs.

"Blegh.." he muttered to himself. That thing could be dangerous. What if it posed a threat to the shire? What if it's some escaped convict looking for it's next victim? Or some dark unnamed creature in one of his books?

No. Absolutely not would he allow that vile creature to wander about freely in his home town. Bolstering up his courage, he snuck around off the road to get closer.

The thing stopped and stared about as if it didn't know which way it wanted to flop around to next. He swallowed nervously at the unpleasant figure, before slowly approaching it quietly.

The messy thing had plopped to the ground, still staring about, not having noticed Bilbo's presence. The hobbit quietly approached. The closer he got however, the more he wanted to bolt the other way. The imposter wiped at their face, revealing the features of a person, a woman.

"Good Heavens!" Bilbo cried, causing the woman to turn her confused gaze at him. He habitually stepped back as he took in her features. She wasn't some dark creature at all but just a woman, who happened to have olive skin almost like that of an Easterling and splattered with blood and reeked of sweat and forest.

She continued to just stare at him as if he was the odd one here.

"Are you alright? Should I get a medic for you?" Bilbo tried again as he put down his bags of groceries finally.

Now she looked at him as if he wasn't even speaking Westron. What is wrong with this lady? Maybe she was the one who couldn't speak the common tongue. Oh dear..

Bilbo waited as she seemed out of breath to speak at the moment.

What on earth was she wearing anyhow? Some of his books on other peoples did have good illustrations with accurate details, but none of them had any similarity to what this lady was wearing. Was she even a lady?

"Hello." She finally found her voice. "Good morning. Or afternoon?...Evening.." She mumbled a bit.

Bilbo finally relaxed a bit. The poor dear seemed so lost she didn't even know what time of day it was. " It seems you haven't the slightest idea where you are, or when for that matter. Bilbo could no longer stand the stench and had to pull out a handkerchief to cover his nose as he took another cautious step towards her.

"No sir." She said awkwardly. " At the moment, I'm completely lost."

Bilbo cleared his throat. " Yes that much is quite obvious." He said wrinkling his nose. " May I ask where are you headed?" He will at least remember his manners.

" I…. well I don't suppose you know where Lake Livingston is." She replied now having gained back her breath.

Bilbo frowned. " I'm afraid not." And that was saying something/

"Crosby?"

What? "No."

"Houston?"

What's all these 'stons' about? "Nope."

"…Texas?"

"I'm afraid not that either."

The strange girl dropped her head in a sad state of sorrow now. Her brows had furrowed to a lost and concerned look. The hobbit inwardly sighed. It tugged at his own heart to see that look. Did she really not have anywhere to go? Was she really so lost? He doubted many other hobbits would offer any aid to someone who came up to them looking like that. Let no one say he was not every bit the respectable hobbit of a Baggins family. " My dear. You look like you could really use some medical aid. We Baggins are not known for turning down a person in need mind you." _Why am I bragging about that?_ "If I understand correctly, you don't know where you are, or how to get back to where you were. Neither do you know anyone here or who to turn to." _Bilbo you're a fool._ "You can come with me if you'd like." He gave a small smile.

Now it was her turn to look hesitant. Did she think he was going to bite her or some nonsense? "Don't worry, I mean you no harm. But I simply cannot leave you in this state. Please come with me, or at least until we can find someone who can offer better assistance."

Proud at his bravado, he mentally pat himself on the back as he saw her rise up silently to follow him. It began to falter completely though as he noticed her height. She looked so small sitting down, but now she stood unusually tall, even for females of the Big Folk. He swallowed and turned to walk briskly back down to the familiar road. Quietly she followed behind.

"May I help?" she offered in a tender sweet voice. At least she had some manners too. Bilbo smiled gratefully and handed her the lightest bag. " I daresay you look like you stepped off of a battle field." Valar he hoped there wasn't a battle near the Shire. "What is your name?"

"I..yes." She stuttered again. " My name is Alicia. I don't mind nicknames if you prefer that too." She added quickly. People must stumble over her name often. "I'm sorry I'm not sure exactly how far I am from home, I've been o the run for days. Can you tell me where I am currently?"

Bilbo re adjusted his vest, glad that it wasn't covered in blood. Why exactly was she on the run? "Al-li-ci-a." he sounded out the word. " Well miss you're not too far from the Shire, my home." He frowned a bit in pity. " You poor thing, I can't imagine how your home must be like. I will have some warm tea for you, and you can wash up while you're there. I can still call a medic if you need."

Bilbo was surprised to see that she was surprised by his offer. Has no one ever heard of hospitality where she was from? "I would greatly appreciate that sir." She responded gratefully.

After a while she had grown quiet again. In fact Bilbo had noticed that she was a very quiet young miss with shifting eyes and a heavy stride for a lady. He was getting a bit uncomfortable by the silence and tried to start up another conversation. " You said you don't mind nicknames. What is your nickname?" he started.

"I have a few actually. Bug Al, Ali, Raff, which is short for Giraffe, Shade, Sweets. It's whatever you want it to be as long as it's nice." She gave a ghost of a smile.

Those were some of the oddest nicknames he had ever heard! Sweets doesn't sound too bad at least. "Hm, interesting. AT least you aren't the picky type." He tried to compliment. " Where are you from?"

"I'm from Crosby." She said with a small sigh.

" Crosby. I've never heard of it before. Is it near Rohon?" Bilbo inquired.

"No sir. I don't know any place called Rohan. Crosby is a small town near Houston, which is a major city."

Not major enough if he hadn't heard of it.' Bilbo thought. I sincerely hope I have not bitten off more than I can chew with this strange girl. So far she does seem easy enough to talk to at the very least. Her solemn silence was a bit unnerving, or at the least intimidating. Opening his door, and setting down his bag, he turned to hang up his house key and saw her standing just outside, ducking her head a bit at the lower ceiling. "Please come in. You can set the groceries there on the table and I'll show you to the washroom." He invited. He was pleased to see her demonstration of manners as she also wiped her shoes before entering.

"Thank you sir." She stated as she was bidden. She set her strange rucksack on the ground as he showed her where everything was for a proper bath.

"I'll have a nice warm fire with food and tea ready when you come out. Also these gowns here, belonged to my mother once, wonderful woman. They should be able to fit you."

"Thank you Mr. Bilbo. This is all very generous of you." She smiled before ducking back into the washroom.

The hobbit merely nodded and smiled back, then hurried to prepare a quick something to eat. Speaking of, he was now thankful he had the foresight to buy a little extra milk, flour and honeyed ham. His curiosity got the better of him once he got a meal going, and he scurried to his library to find a book of maps. He really wanted to know about he places his guest had mentioned. He even wondered if maybe they were part dwarven too with their ' _stons_ ' endings that sounded similar to 'stone'. If he couldn't find it in his maps or books, well he knew what he'll be placing his next order on when merchants from Bree came into town. After a bit, steps came gently echoing up the hall, and out came his guest. Goodness, she looked much more pleasant to the eyes. She had some broad shoulders and lean, muscular build. Her matted hair was now little curls, like a hobbit lass. It seems that the dirt and old blood stains were not her own, another good thing. "My my. Much better yes? How do you feel?" He asked.

"Better yes, thank you." She replied in a kind voice.

" Good good. I've got some stew cooking in the kitchen. Care to join me and we can talk over a nice lunch." He answered. He hid his smirks at how the girl looked around at everything, as if she'd never before seen a house at all. " So tell Miss Alicia. How did you come by the Shire?"

She hesitated to answer at first. " I was getting supplies for my friends and colony, when we were ambushed and attacked. We separated and I ran off to distract some enemies. But I got lost in the process."

"How sad. Do you know how to get back home?" Bilbo inquired as he served lunch.

"Well, probly' back through the woods I came out." She mildly joked with a small smirk at herself.

"Well, that's quite a predicament. Sounds like some war going on between the humans." He mused.

"Humans?" the lady asked. " Not to sound rude Mr. Bilbo but may I ask what you are?"

Bilbo chuckled. " That's not rude at all. I am a hobbit. We usually don't get much taller than me, maybe a bit wider though. We are quiet folk who keep our noses to ourselves. Stay away from trouble and no trouble will find you." Bilbo quotes a few of his friends.

She gave him a lost look again. " What is a hobbit sir?"

"We are folk who have a love for things that grow." Bilbo explained patiently. Being the quiet folk like we are, e don't get many visitors outside, nor do we venture far from the Shire. Simple lives of honesty and neighborly attitudes are what we believe in." He taught her, quite happy to talk about it actually.

Alicia still seemed a bit confused by this, and gave a small polite smile. " I'm sorry if I find this hard to believe. Where I'm from there's only humans, animals and your occasional robot. You're saying that a hobbit is not considered human in any way shape or form?"

"Well, I wouldn't say we're as different as say a bird and a tree,. But no, we're not really considered human either. What is a robot?" Bilbo asked now very interested in talking with her.

"It's a type of machine able to do some degree of thinking by itself." She explained before taking a sip of tea.

Bilbo' head tilted as he tried to imagine a stove doing half the cooking for him, or a shovel moving itself and all he had to do was guide it.

"So… you don't really have any problems out here?" she asked after looking out his rounded window.

"Well, we have little thieves and hooligans." Bilbo answered casually. He found it a bit curious that she would ask for what kind of trouble would happen here, but he shrugged it off. They had already established she knew little to nothing about where she was at right now. What made it even more obvious was just how fast this girl consumed her food, as if someone would come and take it. Food was meant to be enjoyed, not scarfed as if there was no time in a day to eat.

Once they got passed introductions, she became just as curious and asked more about the wide world of Middle Earth. She even offered to help clean up or anything, but to that Bilbo refused telling her that she was his guest after all. Honestly, he quite enjoyed being an unofficial instructor with his own pupil. He was elated to even show off his book collection to her.

It was an hour past his usual dinner time before he noticed and hopped up to make some. As the sun cast a pleasant orange glow through his window as he poured her some tea and himself some again.

"Thank you so much for your hospitality Mr. Bilbo. I don't want to impose anymore. I'll be going after some more tea." She said with a smile.

Going? "what? W- Where will you be going?" Bilbo looked up swiftly at her.

"Back the way I came I suppose. It's the only way I really know." She answered casually, as if the way she implied wasn't through some thick unknown forest to who knows where.

"Isn't it dangerous that way?" Bilbo asked.

"Yes. I guess." She replied. "All I've got is what's on me and my camping goods."

Oh no, that simply will not do. "In that case my dear you will stay here tonight. I won't hear anything more of it." He insisted when he saw she was about to protest. He watched her face closely and saw subtle features of suspicions or wariness. It brought a small frown on his face too. "Do you not visit people where you come from? I- I do not wish to impose on any customs you may have."

She smoothened her features real quick and explained what she was thinking. Ah, of course how could he forget, not everyone who seems nice at first may not be after a time. " I understand." Bilbo said kindly. " I won't keep you here. If you feel safer leaving then do what you must. I can provide some provisions if you need. But it would put me at ease if you stayed the night and left in the morning instead. I can give you a room with a lock on it if you'd like."

The woman looked back up to him now with a grateful smile. " I would like that very much. Thank you." She said again.

Bilbo returned the smile with his own. She was a very thankful young miss.

She went to bed about an hour earlier than he normally did, no doubt tired. Once the house was locked up and ready for the night, he too turned in for a peaceful night.

The next morning she was asking more questions about the lifestyle of a hobbit and general things about middle earth as she ate breakfast. She even went to help him in his garden, though he would have protested had she not said how much of a favorite hobby it was for her. He found that despite how shrouded in mystery she was, he didn't mind her company. To the markets on the other side, she stuck out like a swollen thumb amongst the other hobbits who were not shy about their stares.

On their way back they were greeted by his dear friends Petunia and Rosie, along with their neighbor WIlcomb. Even though they also gave her curious looks, they did not stare rudely at her. They were always a very friendly lot and were not bothered or rude about Bilbo's newest guest. They were very kind and even sat on the ground to accommodate for the human.

When his guest tried to explain whether she had nice neighbors or not, he was just even more perplexed than before he asked. Easy to forget yourself? Was it really that easy to? What would make one do that in the first place?

Instead of pushing it, they just went home and he helped her to find the safest route possible for returning home.

He was especially miffed to hear her explain that there was truly no genuinely safe way home. What kind of dangerous and backwards place has Inns more dangerous than camping in the wilds?

The next morning, after it was so rudely interrupted by a fireworks selling wizard, he escorted her to the same place where she was found, gazing at the greenery with a neutral face before turning to her. "Right, well. Do what you must. You remember how to get to my home right? Shall I wait for you here?"

His mother would be so proud…

"No thank you. I'm not sure how long I'll be but I know the way back to your house. I'll come back on my own." She smiled reassuringly to him.

"Alright then. Be sure to be back before dinner!" He called as he started to walk away. The girl waved at him and strode right into the woods.

Bilbo sighed to himself. It felt a little odd just letting her go like that, and he awkwardly teetered on his feet, slowing down his pace a bit and glancing over his shoulder. Not to worry, she'll be back, just investigating a few things is all. He told himself as he went back home. Opening the door he found his to do list. That had been neglected these past few days. After a light snack he went immediately to start it.

About two hours into it there was a knock at his door. Miss Alicia stood there, smiling down at him. "Hello Alicia. How was your excursion? Did you find anything?" He ushered her in.

"Well, I found the cave, and silly me forgot to bring a light with me, but it is the right cave and I will need to get a little bit of climbing gear somewhere."

"Climbing gear?" Bilbo echoed. "You will be hard pressed to find even a hobbit that is interested in climbing any caves." He gave a small smile to her and invited her to come get a fish dinner tonight. His smile grew a bit more at seeing her face light up at the mention of her favorite meats to eat.

While there, he was curious about what kind of gear he'd even be able to help her find, but he did manage to grab some rope, a lantern with extra oil and a pair of tough gloves that the fishermen use as well.

When they returned, she was quick and eager to help with whatever he had requested. She went to wash up as he prepared that fish dinner recipe.

"All done!" He announced. "Well I think it turned out quite well if I do say so myself."

Alicia sat down across from him smiling gleefully. "I have to agree with you." She complimented.

Just as they were about to dig in, his doorbell rang. "Now who on earth is that at this late hour?"

Alicia offered to get the door but Bilbo waved her away and went to see for himself.

There at his doorway stood perhaps the most strangest guest he's ever had yet. A dwarf! And a rather menacing looking one the way he turned and glared and bowed without breaking eye contact, a grumbly low voice introducing himself as "Dwalin, at your service." Unlike his guest now, this one had no manners before entering a house and just stomped on in as if he lived there too.

The dwarf tossed his cloak at him enquiring about supper. Bilbo tossed the cloak on a rack, uncaring how neat it was at the moment. When he caught up with this _Dwalin,_ he saw that he was now sitting in his seat across from a slightly confused Alicia.

"Very good this." The burly dwarf said munching away at his dinner. " Anymore?"

Bilbo took a plate of buscuits to set in front of him. " it's just that uh, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house." He tried to gently tell him. The doorbell rang again. Bilbo stared down the hallway perplexed at it.

"That'd be the door." Dwalin rumbled, as if the hobbit didn't already figure that out himself.

Bilbo scurried right back down to his door and opened it to find a much more pleasant looking…..dwarf. He had a questioning look on his face first then broke into a wrinkled smile at seeing Bilbo.

"Balin, at your service." He said with a low and friendly bow. He looked up at Bilbo again.

"Good evening." Bilbo said awkwardly. 'Yule time is not here yet what was this dwarf coming up to his house looking like Father Yule for?

Just like the first, he came stepping in asking if he was late about something, but then his eyes caught the first dwarf and attention was turned to him.

Try as he might though, he could not get their attention as they explored his pantry, at least not till he apologized for being so straightforward. Still they did not get his meaning and said, "Apology accepted."

The doorbell rang again and by this point, Bilbo wanted to break that thing down and kick everyone out. Two dwarves stood there, smirking and smiling as they bowed to introduce themselves. He could tell they were much younger than the first two, as their lack of manners was also a clear indication of it. Weapons were thrown at him as he followed them inside to make sure they didn't wipe any more mud on anything else. He gaped as the four began to move his furniture. This was not a boarding home why are they here?!

Once again the bell rang. Flustered he dropped the weapons aside and hollered down the hall of how not funny at all this blunt head's joke is in the slightest. At least this time, he was glad that he was smart enough not t stand in the way, as down came a tumbling mess of yet more dwarves! And behind the clumsy pile, was none other than Gandalf.

Once all were inside, chaos at its finest ensued. Dwarves were everywhere, a mess was everywhere, and hair was everywhere!

"Any seed cake available?" One called from somewhere in the crowd.

"Stop that! Put that back! Please don't do that!" The stressed hobbit was on every dwarf's heels trying to get them to stop, but the second one would pay him any attention, some yell or loud bang would catch his attention and he'd lose the first one. Looking about he did notice that Alicia was nowhere to be seen, smart girl. He'd run and hide too, had it not been for the total abuse they were doing to his beautiful home. He did read in his books that dwarves had a strange way of dinning, but this? And in someone else's house? Confusticate that!

"What seems to be the trouble?" that meddling, fire playing, trouble starting wizard interrupted his chase down of a dwarf using his doily as a dishcloth.

 _Oh he had some gall!_ "What seems to be the trouble? Dwarves that's what! What are they doing in my house?!"

"Do you have any smokeweed?" one called to him from another room.

Bilbo ignored him to glare at the wizard.

Even Bilbo could only pay half attention to what the wizard was trying to say, merry gathering his foot!

He rubbed his temples, feeling a slight headache coming on and made his way to his medicine cabinet to take out some pain killing herbs, perhaps he'd need the strongest does he can find.

"I want them gone." Bilbo said to Gandalf after taking his herbs. "They've trekked mud everywhere, I'm not even going to tell you what they did to my bathroom, they've nearly destroyed the pipes!"

In his rant, one dwarf that seemed to be the politer of the rambunctious bunch, brought his plate to him and asked what he should do with it. Before he could answer however those two meddling young brothers grabbed it and began to toss it about. His heart felt like a fuse was just stuck in it and will soon explode if one of those antics broke." Those are over a hundred years old!" he yelled at them, only to be ignored again.

Next some dwarves sitting at the table began stomping and tapping out some tune while hitting his knives together. " Please stop that You'll blunt them!" he yelled at them.

The dwarf with the silly hat, must live in the colder regions, mocked him and laughed along with the three others playing with him.

The fuse on his heart just shortened now.

A delicate vase was thrown and Bilbo scrambled to grab it before it was broken. Someone started singing a song, then they all joined in and more dishes were flying about like leaves in the wind. He tried his best to rescue some of the most delicate and precious of the utensils as the dwarves danced, stomped, threw, drank, ate and slide his things about. He ran to a store room to put all his things in before running back out to the kitchen. The hobbit pushed past the same dwarf that didn't know the difference between a doily and a dishcloth, and also a very red headed one to see all his utensils, surprisingly clean and neatly stacked on the table. They laughed even more boisterously at his reaction no doubt.

Bilbo let out a sigh of relief, until yet another loud banging on his door interrupted. He inwardly scoffed. If that's what it took to get them to settle down, he'd give whoever was now at his door a hug and feed him whatever he'd like.

There stood yet one more dwarf, regal looking and very, important. Some of the dwarves inside bowed their heads or gave nods of greeting as their leader, thorin, came inside. He stalked the poor hobbit, asking him odd questions and finally concluding he'd make a better grocer than a burgler.

What kind of absurd question is that?! Of course he wasn't a burglar! He'd much rather be an honest grocer anyhow.

They all regathered into the dinning hall, siting about asking for news and portents, and sticking dwarfish iron up dragon jacksies. Oh Yavanna help me with these cantankerous dwarves!

So they came all this way, tore up his home and cleaned out his pantry, just to ask him to some illegal thieving for some rock they lost, that's under another giant rock, that's being guarded by a giant dragon?

"What? I'm not a burglar." Bilbo protested. " I have Bag-End to take care of, not to mention I can't just leave Miss Alicia by herself."

Now some attention was turned to her, he sighed and called for her to come.

Thorin was the only one who had not seen her yet and his reaction was most un-appreciated in his own house.

" This young lady was here long before you came Master Oakenshield." Bilbo had to put forth much effort to say it kindly. "She lost her way home and I wouldn't be a Baggins if I didn't help her."

The cantankerous dwarf obviously still did not like her presence being there, but he put up no more argument, since the rabbit was out of the hole now.

Balin stood up to hand some impractically long contract that supposed to just have 'the usual summary'. It had much more than that with all it's side notes and scribbling handwriting in some places or lovely penmanship in other spots.

"Incineration?" The hobbit looked back at them like they were all finely dressed orcs with wigs and cologne on trying to be high society level citizens.

After more debate, arguments and story telling, Bilbo had heard enough of this secret quest. He needed a break before he accidentally took all his pain killing herbs and made himself numb.

The dwarves, after exploring his house a bit more, Bilbo had begun to not care anymore by this time, he went to his room and sat.

"Who does that wizard think he is? Who does he think he's fooling? Leading a group of dwarves to come my house of all places in middle earth that would no doubt qualify much better than me, to go on an adventure? Why it's madness just uttering such words here in the Shire. That's why we have books. So we can go on adventures and not actually be in danger." Bilbo muttered to himself as he straightened back a few things in his room and changed into his sleep ware.

There was a small knock at the door and his back stiffened. Oh no. no no no more dwarves.

" No no no. I haven't anymore smokeweed seedcake or food-oh!" he stopped himself before he ranted right at poor Alicia who was just holding his tea serving tray to him.

"Thank you very much." He said to her. "I'll have to deal with these wayward dwarves in the morning. Hopefully they'll be gone by then." He whispered to her.

Alicia simply gave him a sympathetic smile, reassuring him not to worry too much over it. Though that was easier said than done. They bade goodnight and Bilbo drank some tea she had made quietly. Once it was finished he fell on his bed, scurried under the covers and closed his eyes.

Suddenly, just as he was drifting to sleep there was a loud noise, like a growling beast was at his door. His eyes popped open. He nervously sat up reaching for his uncle's old walking cane and shakily went to his feet. The sound was steady and muffled. With a gulp he gingerly opened his door and peeked one eye out.

There was no beast to be found. The hobbit opened his door even more and stepped out into the hall way. Half a moment… that's no beast…that's snoring.

Loud, obnoxious, dwarven snoring. He groaned and went back inside, stuffing his doorway with blankets and pillows, then shuffling back in bed to try and cover the sound again under his pillow.

 **I actually did have a bit of a headache while writing this, and I'm one of those who refuse to take meds unless I really have to or it's a natural kind because I'm stingy and stubborn. So anyway, how did you like it? Got any ideas for me for either this or my first zombie story, please share. (I won't shoot you for it, I'll hug you for it)**

 **Sincerely,**

 **Adeleidhis (^_^)**


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